I’m a good husband. I never mind running errands for Amy, the mother of my children past, present and future. I’ll go to the ends of the earth to retrieve what-ever-it-is her heart desires. It’s my duty and my pleasure. So when Amy asked me to please, make a special trip to Safeway to get her some Root Beer, Gardettos and Skittles to appease the beast of pregnancy cravings, I said “No-way! Forget it!” Actually I said sure, finished what I was doing, got ready and went to Safeway four miles away. I did this even though she’d just been out and didn’t go herself, even though I don’t eat these things anymore, even though I had other things to do. Because I love her.

I got to Safeway, discovered all the required items reside in the same isle—which was odd but convenient. I also noticed that skittles were on sale “buy 3 get 2 free.” Amy only wanted two packages, but I’m a cheap bastard and I thought the value was too good to pass up. I was wrong. The value was not too good to pass up, in fact, it created a post-register faux pas that will forever live in the infamy of my mind and forever grouping the above named items as the “Devil’s Snack Attack”.

I grabbed five bags of skittles, precariously balanced them on top of the Gardettos and successfully got all the items up to the register without dropping anything. If only one—just one—of those god forsaken Skittles bags had fallen all would be right with the world.

The cashier rang up my order, applied small talk. I just glared down at her—I’m not one for small talk. I ran my Safeway club card, then my debit. Pushed the buttons in sequence entered my PIN and Approved! Sigh.

She hands me my receipt and I look at it—like always, bad habit I learned from watching my mom shop—and notice the total $6.66. I gasp.

The cashier looks up and says; “I know, I was going to ask if you wanted some gum to fix it.”

I say; “Why didn’t you? This is no good, no good at all.” She just shrugged.

What does it mean? Is my unborn child the Anti-Christ? Am I going to die on the way home in a fiery crash? Is the holy-war finally going to start today?

Then I realize it has a decimal, a DECIMAL! That breaks the number, it’s no longer the mark of the beast but, a randomly generated price from a random food purchase. I wipe my brow and breathe a sigh of relief.

Moral of the story; Never take advantage of “deals” that seem too good to be true and always participate in small talk with cashiers, so they feel comfortable saving you from the dreaded $6.66 receipt.