So there was this dream. In it you find my wife, several of my fellow beardos, Kirstie Alley and Shaquille O’Neal.

It started out with Amy and I going to Six Flags. Where we promptly got in line for a new roller-coaster, that had something to do with trains, the old steam engine type.

I turned away for a second and found myself at some sort of gathering, people from whiskerino were there. It may have been The Throwdown or some other beardo event I won’t actually be at.

There was a picture being taken of a large group of bearded gentlemen. I couldn’t get into the picture in time and was left out. I remember that felt awful.

I saw Jeremy Okai there and Joe Sleeper. They flanked me and gave me inappropriate hugs, not sexual or creepy, just not appropriate for a first meeting.

We walked together arm in arm back to the roller coaster and they were gone, in my arms now was a stack of Dr. Suess books–all of them, I imagine. In front of me was Amy and in front of her Shaq. He wasn’t as tall as I assumed he’d be, but it makes sense. In reality the man is only 7 inches taller than me, so in person he wouldn’t seem that much taller—I digress.

We began to walk up the rickety, rusty carnival style steps that went a long ways upward to board the train cars. Shaq got in and Amy had to sit next to him, some rule being enforced by the very short and very cranky ride operator.

At this point I’m not even certain I was at Six Flags anymore, felt more like a small town fair now.

Then it was my turn to board. The little guy, who was very hairy up close, said I couldn’t get on with all those books as he pointed at the now even larger stack of Dr. Seuss books I was tightly gripping against my chest.

Apparently I didn’t have them all before, because now I have even more, a lot more. For some reason I have no desire to part with my stack of books and I slowly transverse backward down the stairs, much to the inconvenience of the soon-to-be riders behind me.

At the bottom of the steps, Kristie Alley took my arm roughly and explained that she could hold the stack of books at the counter and I could get them after the ride. Still I resisted giving the books up. She seemed a little dishonest and possibly she had ulterior motives hence the offer.

I clung to the Seuss books tightly.

She seemed annoyed with me. That was exactly when I looked up and saw the train cars barreling by and glimpsed what had to have been Shaq preforming a moving dental exam on Amy. I backed the dream up, and played it forward again this time in slow motion, and confirmed in fact Shaq was examining my wife’s oral cavity and even had a dental assistant in the car with them.

My first thought wasn’t “Get your hands out of my wife’s mouth” It was… “Why come does he get an assistant and I can’t even take some lousy books on.” I felt terrible, but my second thought was the thought I should have thought in the first place—I’m human.

At this point I awoke, and found myself very disturbed and also a little confused.

Upon introspection I know what this dream meant and I plan to put in motion some events that will lead to a solution for the problem that so inventively reared it’s ugly head whilst I dreamnt.